http://subscene.com/u/659433 Improved by: @Ivandrofly
(NARRATOR) In the 16th century, the mystic John Dee wrote
the "sigillum aemeth", a book of musical chants
that were meant to summon angels,
but brought forth demons instead.
Fearing the unholy power of his dark songs, Dee tried to destroy
the book, but failed.
Sought by sorcerers and dark rules for centuries,
the book had been lost
until now.
(MEN CHANT IN LATIN)
(MAN) Bequeath protection upon thine followers who walketh
in the footsteps of...
And your appeasement of the gods of...
Have failed.
(MAN) What seven blood packs not enough, Ronny?
(MAN) Yeah, this shit's never coming out of my tunic, by the way.
(RONNY) I don't know what to tell you guys, okay?
The appeasement fails?
(ERIC) It's bullshit. You failed, Eric.
Okay?
Maybe if you made a meaningful sacrifice.
Hey, that's bullshit, Ronny.
(ERIC) We're over here in the woods in the middle of the night.
We nailed the chant.
Come on.
Had everything that game plan laid out.
Can't keep just failing my appeasements forever.
(RONNY) I'm sorry.
(ERIC) F you, Hung.
(RONNY) The appeasement fails because Eric wasn't meaning it.
He wasn't being meaningful.
(MAN) Bullshit, Ronny.
(RONNY) I don't know what to tell you guys.
(ERIC) Sometimes I don't know who's harder to appease, Ronny.
(RONNY) If you don't stop complaining, the gods of...
Are going to curse all your characters
with a case of evil herpes!
Eric, you failed.
Maybe if you made a meaningful sacrifice.
Guys, how will we ever taste triumph at evermore with this
weak bullshit?
Fear not, Sir Reginald, for I have just the magic needed.
Excuse me while I whipeth this out.
What was that?
Hey, dude, what's that?
What?
Oh shit!
Oh!
Eat paint... fuckers!
(INDISTINCT SHOUT)
(MAN) This'll teach you to play your
fucking wizard game in our woods.
Run!
Run, you freaks.
Don't ever come back.
Hey, check this shit out.
Harry pooper dropped his book.
Yeah, tear that shit.
Come on, man.
Destroy the book.
Rip it open.
What the fuck?
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Fuck.
Jesus motherfucker.
The book fucked up your face.
Ahh!
(MAN) Be strong, Sir Reginald.
Be strong, I say.
Oh man.
Fuck.
Shit!
We gotta go back for the book.
(MAN) What book?
I brought that kickass old book I was gonna use for my spells!
Fuck!
I must have dropped it when those people attacked us!
Shit!
Fuck!
(MAN) Is this it?
That's it.
Whoo.
Thank God.
Sorry about freaking out.
No problem.
Ronny kwok, he's gonna shit when he sees that.
We'll be back, you redneck cocksuckers.
This I vow.
(MUSIC)
♪ Cast down in divine ♪
♪ Shadows of our ♪ ♪ dead minions ♪
♪ Drag me into the abyss ♪
♪ He is reborn in ♪ ♪ the dark light ♪
Bleh.
♪ He instigates thy doom ♪
Turn off the music!
Turn it off!
What?
Turn this music off!
Joe, come on.
Come on.
You are this close.
How close?
Damn, man.
That shit is tight.
It's called "your heart sucks my soul."
It's kind of a love song, you know?
Mm-hmm.
I wrote it as a surprise for Beth.
Yeah? Yeah.
Listen, if that song doesn't say love and commitment,
I don't know what does.
We need to have a talk.
I am way ahead of you.
How about you, me, dinner, tonight?
Somewhere with a tablecloth?
I got a little something special I want to give you.
Wait.
Don't tell me it's...
Is it what I think it is?
No.
Yes.
I don't know.
What do you think it is?
Don't do anything big involving jewelry, okay?
I mean, I need to concentrate on my career.
It's not the right thing for that sort of commitment.
Oh, no, no, I get it.
Whoa.
It's cool.
I mean, why mess with a good thing, right?
Time out here, Joe.
You're breaking up with me.
Will you listen to me?
You have a college degree in communications studies.
You could be doing anything you wanted.
Hold up.
I am doing what I want.
You live in a fake castle leeching off your accidental
millionaire loser friend playing black metal in your bedroom.
You will never change.
Uh, it's doom metal.
Who the fuck asked you?
Well, he's right.
Gilberto, you're the fucking man.
It was black.
Then we went through a sludge phase.
Now it's more doom.
I need to focus on my future, my career.
It's important that I align myself
with successful people, Joe.
I'm sorry, but that's just how it is.
(CAR ALARM)
Hey, dude, where's my plus-3 mace?
Am I thy weapon's keeper?
Hey, man.
Found it!
Oh, hey, dude.
You bent my mace.
That's not cool.
Sorry, man.
My mom made me this mace.
It's still fierce.
(MUSIC)
Ahh!
(MUSIC)
That's a power ballad.
What's wrong with him?
Oh.
She dumped you, didn't she?
Fuck off!
Whoa, nice shot.
So your body is already subconsciously moving on.
I knew that this day would come.
You had a vision of her just ripping out my heart, huh?
Yeah.
Thanks for the heads up, mighty warlock.
I'm a 26-level wizard, buddy.
I know that you know that; You're just trying to be
hurtful.
Fucking Beth.
Dude, look, I'm sorry for what happened, but you two hadn't
been right for each other for a long time.
It's only the rejection that hurts.
You'll get over that.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe... I should be making some changes.
Maybe I should move out of here.
No, there's no need for drama.
You always have a place here at meine castle.
I still love her.
We can't leave him like this.
I know.
I'll be fine.
Just go.
Go.
Kill your fake dragons.
This is awkward.
I know what you need.
Come on.
Come on!
I told you, I don't do that shit any more.
Yeah and the reason you quit just kicked you to the curb.
So I think it's high time that you got back in the saddle.
It's a sativa, dude.
It'll lift your spirits but not knock you out.
Just do it.
(MUSIC)
I love you.
I love you too, Joe.
(LAUGHING)
Sweet Jesus.
Wait.
Oh no.
Fuck me.
Aye, Sir dragonoth have been detained by Minerva,
the sea hag.
His bewitchment by the siren's song shall be the nail thine
army..., King Diamond the red.
We shall see.
Until evermore.
'Til evermore.
Eric!
Hung!
Where the fuck are we?
'Tis the kingdom of eliphaz, my naïve friend.
And dress me.
Aye.
It just felt right.
Adventuring is exactly what thou needst.
"Needst" is not a word.
Where we are, it is.
I'm taking this shit off.
Whoa!
Now is not the time to lose thy nerve,
brave and scorned warrior.
Thou has been recruited to fight in the glorious army
of kabedrah.
The epic battle of evermore.
Come, Sir Hung.
(RONNY) That looks terrible.
My three-year-old nephew could make a better map.
He's got learning disabilities.
It'll have to do.
You, my friend, are on dragon duty.
Take these and make sure that weeee are good to go.
And dragon rider!
Just don't fuck with my stereo.
The dead meadows of bodom.
Grass is nourished by the blood of heroes.
Hmm?
Are you listening?
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Continue.
And here we have fengyrian falls.
Oh.
Remember, gentlemen, your supervision of this script and
the monsters contained within make this event come alive.
Follow me now.
Adventures lie waiting like sleeping dragons!
Hah?
And here we have novum castellum!
Ah, each band of heroes will complete
a class three quest this Eve.
By gathering at the plains of evermore, the battle betwixt
the realms of King Diamond...
Though there will be a big surprise in store for all.
And as game master, I will be watching over all of this.
You can think of me as God.
Excuse me a minute.
Ah, Gwen.
Just whom I wanted to see.
I have been watching you these battle-swept nights of the
campaign and you have shown your mettle.
So verily, the time has come for
you to ascend to the upper realms.
Oh God.
The game hasn't started already, has it?
We don't have to talk in dorkinese yet, do we?
I thought maybe you'd want to be my assistant head game master
and you could be my right hand, my right hand...
Ow!
Ooh.
I have an idea of what your right hand spends
a lot of time doing, Ronny.
That's really personal, Gwen.
(GWEN) Come, Gunther.
I'll take that as a no for now.
You okay?
Shut your mouth.
Onward.
You shut your mouth.
Where the fuck are the keys?
Whoa.
Hey.
Thought you guys only used foam weapons.
In this world, young jonen,
you can only put your trust in steel.
My elite clientele is willing to pay a premium for authenticity.
Where the fuck are the keys?
Come on, Joe.
You played d&d.
Live action role play is the next level.
D&d was a long time ago.
Yeah.
And you were a legend.
These people here?
They sing songs about the time that you gave Ronny kwok's
paladin demonic syphilis.
Do you remember, remember when we caught Ronny spanking it to
the succubus picture in the old monster manual?
Good times, man.
Yeah, and some of us are still having 'em.
Come on!
Eric's about to level up to grand sorcerer.
I'm packing an ounce of killer 'shrooms.
And there be monsters in need of pummelin'!
You have a choice: Join us in tasting the sweet nectar of
victory or mope around an empty house all week like a bitch.
You guys do actually look slightly badass.
It's like a metal... cover.
Without the muscles.
All right.
I'm in.
Huzzah!
Please.
Don't make me rethink this.
Nah.
Welcome to the fields of evermore!
Um, Ronny?
Yes, Travis.
Where are our costumes?
There is no end to the tricks up my sleeve.
Wardrobe?
(MAN) Yes, Sir.
Got it.
42 regular.
(RONNY) 42 reg, I think you'll find it snug.
Great.
(RONNY) I think you'll find it freshly laundered.
I'm a trained actor, man.
Not some fucking stunt monkey.
Weekend improv workshop, my ass.
Ungrateful.
Ah, greetings, enchanter.
I have some surprises in store for you.
Some creatures with a taste for flesh of the lowest order.
Hmm?
Parasites, charlatans.
War profiteers of forbidden weapons.
Verily, I say, let it go, dude.
Well.
Marketplace is a battlefield and to the Victor go the spoils.
Agreed.
I bring news of a legendary warrior long absent from this
realm who returnth to replace the estimable Sir Reginald.
The new warrior is of course welcome.
Wonderful!
Jobreyth of...
Shall once more fight by my side.
Joe revitt's here?
What the frack, Eric?
I hate that guy.
Ronald, Ronald, why be so petty?
I mean, surely, you're not still sore about
your syphilitic paladin.
Perhaps, the pages of your monster manual
remain stucketh together?
For old time's sake, he's in.
But... you must accomplish a level 12 summoning spell
to animate Joe's character with Reginald's life-force.
Consider it done, my liege.
Okay, that was a bit much.
Show-off.
(ANNOUNCER) Lo, the adventure begins!
Please report for quest assignments.
Step forward when your group is called.
Freakend warriors!
The medieval kenevils!
Gnomeland security.
Fair-leather friends.
The norse whisperers.
Heed this reminder.
All guilds must complete their quests prior to tomorrow's
battle at evermore.
Also, Ryan the necromancer beseeches thy help in finding
his inhaler.
What?
Oh.
His inhaler of doom!
And to the owner of the sperm-white Toyota tercel,
thy chariot is blocking the witches' coven.
Move it or you'll be faced with a hex of great dark magic.
And you'll be towed.
(MUSIC)
It's a lot like you remember it, except for sitting around
a table, we do it for real.
For fake.
Fake-real, dude.
Don't fuck with me.
And this fake-real involves, uh, yoga?
Laugh now, but a structured warm-up routine helps prevent
injury later.
All right... I'll show you.
Come on.
What?
All right.
Arms and legs, one point.
Torso's two.
Limb takes a hit, it's useless until healing's been cast.
Parry disarm can be used once per melee unless you're up
against a two-handed weapon.
Grab your sword, I'll demonstrate.
(MUSIC)
Finish him!
Got an idea.
How about I just forget the count
and start wailing on people!
Dude! Dude!
It's honor system, man.
Okay, you're all set to join the battle.
I just spoke with Ronny.
Oh, except lose the sword. Huh?
Yeah, newbs don't get swords.
Uh.
Wait, I have to earn the right to carry a foam stick?
'Tis not the size of the young knave's blade, but the lust in
his thrust by which legends are made.
(ERIC) Oh!
Jobreyth!
There is one more thing you're going to need to do.
Verily?
This is retarded. (MAN) Guys, pentagrams?
We don't roll that way here.
This is the larp, not the wicker man wiccan cosplay.
Nay.
'Tis in the book, dude.
Okay.
(JOE) Um, Eric.
They be the rest of our traveling companions.
Stand back and witness the spectacle of my animation spell.
Ready? Oh, for God's sake.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Ahh!
Beth?
Ahh!
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
How awesome was that!
Arise, jobreyth.
Breathe fresh the air once again.
(COUGHING)
Me thinks you should not be so much of a pussy.
Don't tell me you've never played with fireworks before.
Not like that.
What was with the faces, the smells, everything?
What was that?
I tell you what I see.
A warrior...
Who can't let go of his past.
What are you doing?
Wow.
What was that?
Ex-girlfriend!
Jobryeth needeth closure!
It's not like that.
'Tis no matter to me, apprentice.
(RONNY) What the shit is going on?
Why is there smoke?
Eric, I said a basic summoning spell, not one of your
non-regulation pyrotechnic displays.
This was more befitting a 27th level sorcerer.
Which you are not yet.
What's up, Joe?
Needst I remindst thou the Temple
of awaits.
Don't be a buzzkill, Ronny.
Ah.
Come, Gunther.
(RONNY) Buzzkill.
(MAN) What?
(RONNY) Buzzkill.
How you doing there, captain trips?
Verily.
There be a fungus among us.
Is it your fungus that's fucking with me?
'Cause if you did slip me some 'shrooms, why's it feel like
I got bent over and taken advantage of back there?
Perhaps thine reach exceeds thine grasp...
So who are our comrades, enchanter?
Right.
That be lando, the pious.
Watch him in battle.
Complete weasel, but entertaining.
You'll see.
Sir Gunther, the mighty.
Head case with a big stick.
He is unique and crazy.
And Guinevere the fearless, who's plus-three ass perfection
should keep the memory of.
She who shall not be mentioned at bay.
Plus-three?
Clearly you underestimate my endowments.
(MONKEY SOUNDS)
Look, your party has disturbed a nest!
Demon apes!
What the fuck?
Play on!
One of the beasts deals Sir Hung the glutinous a stunning blow!
(MUSIC)
(MAN) Haha!
Great way to spend the weekend.
Sweating my balls off in a monkey outfit.
I don't know where the hell I am.
Who's there?
Hello, apelings?
Dude! Joe! Little help here. Huh?
Help us kill some freaking apes!
You here for the larp?
The live, the larp?
Do you maybe have a map?
Oh, wow.
'Cause I, um... I sort of lost my way.
Separated from the group.
Oh... Kay.
Jobryeth!
Gonna... kill... your... Monkey... asses!
Jobryeth takes a lethal strike to the back!
Huh?
Bullshit... 'Tis a lie! Halt!
Game master saw a palpable hit and an unconscious man throwing
weaponry, weaponry that is beyond the expertise of your
lowly character.
I don't understand what you said, but I'm gonna sit down.
Three, two, one, play on!
Got separated from my group.
You too?
Uh, well, maybe then we should stick together and both look.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
If this is some sort of furry fetish,
then I don't mind at all!
Oh wow!
Oh, okay, sure.
From the ground, thy wounds be bound.
Regeneration spell successful!
Still thy tongue lest I remove it!
Lightning bolt!
You my bitch... ow!
Same side, same side!
Be gone, demon apes!
Oh shit.
Damn.
Lando has been dealt a mortal blow. 'Tis a lie.
I had a spell of simian protection.
Fine, kill the brown guy first.
The great ape has been vanquished!
Huzzah!
Yeah.
Now remember, before convening at the battle,
this party has a quest to loot the Temple of...
Which needeth completion, so... Perhaps the party should split
up for to cover more ground.
Capital idea, Sir lando.
Take Sir Hung the capable and explore Yon Forest
for the fabled Temple.
Verily... we shall meet thee at evermore if not before.
Godspeed to you and thy servant.
Servant?
I'm an apprentice.
Fucketh you very much.
Easy.
I beseech thee to give him wide berth as he is pained by a riven
heart torn asunder by the cruelty of an untrue maiden.
Enough with that shit, please.
Easy, my liege.
I told these guys that thou were cool.
Ah, at last.
The simpletons and heretics have left our brotherhood.
However, it occureth to me that mine apprentice
has forgotten something.
Yeah?
Thou must return to the kingdom of eliphaz.
Uh... parking lot.
Parking lot.
And fetch the amulet of kokun from our transport,
for it shall be needed at the battle of evermore.
So go to the parking lot to get something you forgot.
Aye.
I shall join you on your mission.
The Forest is no place for an unarmed adventurer.
Let's go.
Act... it's this way.
(JOE) Yes.
Hey, man.
(ANNOUNCER) Attention all teams.
Upon completion of your quests, you may head to the battlefield
to prepare your camp for the night.
But as always, be on guard for the evil scourge from beyond
our borders.
You know, those redneck paintball jerks who crashed
our centaur hunt last week.
Prithee, take care.
Is that you, fellow denizens of elves' realms?
Speakers of elvish?
Um, do you have a map maybe?
Do I know you?
Are you here for the larp?
Was it the robes or the pointy ears that gave it away?
'Cause I sort of lost my way and got separated from the group.
Oh, no.
You're one of those freaky vampire larpers, right?
Wrong weekend, honey.
I don't mind at all.
I think thou art marching down the wrong battlefield, sweetie.
Now if you'll excuse me.
(MUSIC)
If I didn't know better, jobryeth, I'd say you were
having fun back there.
Ooh, no I wasn't.
Okay, a little.
But you can't tell anyone.
I wouldn't even know what larp was if it wasn't for Gunther.
He's a little hardcore with this.
Well, at least you're supporting your boyfriend's interests.
A lot of girls... boyfriend?
God, no.
Gunther's my cousin.
He's a good kid, but he never breaks character.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
He never breaks character?
He truly believes he's in another time and place.
But his folks don't let him come to these things alone.
So you're warrior-sitting then?
Well, after the medieval times incident,
I seem to be the only one he listens to.
The medieval times incident?
Mom thought it would be cute to take him there.
He jumped the wall and sent the red knight to the hospital.
(LAUGHING)
Sorry.
Not funny.
(MUSIC)
I've got this.
(MUSIC)
Ooh!
Um, miss.
The fuck?
Spell of protection.
It's too late.
Drop.
To the nether realms.
My lady?
All I'm saying is we'll be taken more seriously if we refer to
ourselves as sprites.
Can we please stay in character?
You guys sound like a bunch of little girls.
If anyone would know about little girls... okay.
I tried to handle this in private, but if you wanna
do this here now, standing in the woods, dressed like fucking
fairies, so be it.
Lo, perhaps thou art having thine monthlies.
Out of game.
Out of game? Okay.
Fine... what the hell's your problem?
You're the one who wanted to experiment.
Don't blame me if you can't handle the consequences.
It was fine as long as it was all about you,
but heaven forbid I enjoy it.
You saw her without me.
That wasn't part of the deal.
I'm heading back to camp. Go.
Someday someone's gonna tear your heart out and you'll
know exactly how I feel.
Sprites!
Let's fly.
You look like one of those...
Freaky vampire larpers.
Maybe we should stick together.
Maybe.
(MOANING)
(SCREAMING)
As you approach the exalted township of valinore, you notice
that your own path intersects with another.
Sir Hung, he is rustling just across the way.
I can hear the breeze on my skin.
'Tis burnt orange.
English.
The fuck's he saying?
I don't know.
There is electricity in the air.
Okay, Ronny, so if he goes insane, can I inherit his
experience points? You're obsessed with experience points.
No, let's not talk about that now.
I'm just saying, that's a waste of experience.
I can use it.
Kill thy cowardly tongue.
Oh, holy shit.
(HUNG) Prepare thineself for battle, wench.
Do I know you?
All right, Hung, I don't know what you're on, but I think
it's clouding your judgment.
She looks...
Nay, game master.
The scales have finally fallen from mine eyes.
Miss, are you okay?
Have you been in an accident?
'Tis no accident!
Go no closer!
Although I have gazed upon thy visage before, 'tis only by the
light of Yon moon has thou true nature revealed itself!
Okay, Hung, ease up there, buddy.
I think she really needs some help.
Excuse me, my lady, do you really need some help?
Fuck you and the moustache you rode in on!
(RONNY) Oh, fuck!
I'm... outta here.
'Tis a cruel act of the gods to waste such a sweet backside...
On such a filthy beast.
(SCREAMING)
It gets me every time.
The noise came from around here somewhere.
Just keep your wits.
Oh God.
Oh Lord, he's dead.
Oh shit.
What the hell?
I don't understand.
All right, we gotta keep going.
We gotta get Eric, your crazy cousin and call the cops.
What was that?
Shit.
Joe, what are you doing?
There's someone in there.
I know, that's what I'm worried about.
You're not sing, Joe, are you?
What?
Tell me you're not gonna sing.
Not right now, baby.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no!
(GWEN) Gunther!
Ease up!
Stay your hand, mighty warlord.
Evil has befallen him.
His handiwork is all around us.
We heard you and we thought it might be whoever... did this.
Where's Ronny?
Lando?
Do not enter.
One cannot cheat death forever.
This is not good.
Joe, what the fuck is going on here?
I don't know what's going on.
But I want to talk to Ronny.
Ronny?
You think Ronny is responsible for this?
What am I supposed to think?
You guys and your quest for authenticity.
Oh, come...
Real weapons.
In-game bullshit.
Archaic books.
Ugh, the evil book again, huh?
It would surprise me not, wizard, if thou has not brought
forth something vile and unholy, a pox upon mankind.
Gunther!
We're out of game here, man.
Somebody tell me what the hell's going on here.
Hell, indeed, is going on.
The wizard has summoned evil.
And most likely while they apprentice was in the circle,
he has been made unholy.
Gunther.
I cannot tell you whether 'twas man or beast,
but I can tell you surely it was not jobryeth.
We need to get out of here.
What we need to do is avenge the poor souls taken here this Eve.
With what?
Foam sticks?
Jobryeth is right.
We need weapons from my private reserve of steel.
Thou speakests sense.
Let us return to camp.
And arm ourselves.
While they call for help... Reinforcements.
Very well.
I am watching you.
We all feel safer for that.
(RONNY) Oh fuckity fuck.
Get a hold of yourself, man.
Get a hold of yourself, man!
What the fuck was that, man?
Oh my God, she was not normal!
She was like some kind of she-beast from the...
Oh, my sweet shit.
Oh my sweet, sweet shit.
Eric, you fucking asshole.
I have to warn him.
Where the fuck am I?
They suck at making maps!
Where the hell am I!
Why is there no one here?
Shouldn't someone be here?
Come on, the best way for us to help is to drive somewhere
and get some.
That's not what was agreed upon.
We were to seek vengeance.
Where are the weapons?
Weapons are in here, okay?
Now come on, let's go.
Where the fuck is my phone?
Anyone?
Sweet Jesus, man.
Sorry, dude.
There's some weird shit going on out there, man.
Oh... Kay.
We gotta call 9-1-1.
Do you have a cell phone?
9-1-1 is just gonna route a cell call.
What you ought to do is call the sky valley sheriff directly.
I can get the number.
Call sky valley sheriff.
(DIALING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(MAN) Sky valley sheriff.
(GWEN) There's been an accident at the state park campgrounds.
You gotta get here as soon as you can.
(MAN) Hold up now... What kind of accident?
Well, there's this larp event going on...
Wait a minute, larp like, like dressed up like wizards
and shit?
Yeah, like that.
But this is serious.
It wasn't just one of those paintballer pranks,
people are in danger.
You stay put.
We'll be right there.
Oh, thank God.
Tommy!
Tommy, get your ass up.
We gotta get going.
Hey, Randy.
Rise and shine, buddy.
We got a cold dish of get back that needs serving.
Get your cousin and get your gear.
Imma pick you up in 10.
(MAN) Whoa, this does not look like regulation game play.
Are you guys out of game or not?
We're so far outta game, we're somehow back in it.
I thought you said there were bodies.
What are you guys up to?
Where be the game master?
Where be our hordes for glorious combat?
Everyone else completed their mission and camped out
on the battlefield.
Are you guys gonna camp or just stay up all night?
I must fight the evil at it's source!
No!
Gunther!
(YELLING)
You guys are on another planet.
You know drugs are off-limit out here.
How far's the battlefield?
Ronny kwok's gonna hear about this.
How far!
Take it easy.
Halfway through the Forest.
I'm out.
Great.
Now can we get the hell out of here?
You kidding?
We can't leave Gunther.
No.
Joe.
Goddamn it, Joe!
Hey, what is that?
Are they... I think they're...
Is that Eddie?
Beth?
Beth!
Holy shit, that's your psychotic girlfriend?
Ex-girlfriend.
This is so fucked up.
Guys.
Dude, what...
Hey.
I'll tell you what I see.
Tell you what I see.
A warrior. Warrior.
Who can't let go of his past.
Oh shit.
This has something to do with the photo of me and Beth
at prom.
(ERIC) What?
In the book, the fucking ebay book, man.
What?
Get the fuck out, man.
No, I had the photo with me when you summoned this...
Whatever this is with the book.
Eric, use the book to send that bitch back wherever
she came from!
I don't know how?
I just picked a page at random earlier.
Well then, just pick another...
Pick another page and hurry the fuck up.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Sing it.
Sing it, wizard.
(SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(ERIC) That was for Hung!
Take that, bitch!
That was...
Served by Eric the enchanter.
What?
You just let her get away.
Excuse me?
She just went off into the woods to die like a wounded animal.
(RONNY) Gimme the book.
Fuck!
God.
This is the "sigillum aemeth." Where did you get this book?
Uh, why?
Shut up, never mind.
Did you read this page?
Um.
Why?
Did you read it?
Yes, yes!
Holy fuck, yes.
We read it and it scared that crazy chick back to hell
or wherever the fuck she came from.
If that doesn't get me to level 27, I don't know what will,
kwok, so why don't you pony up.
No, no, no, no, no, okay.
That all makes sense.
(JOE) It makes no sense.
It's gibberish...
It makes sense!
It makes sense that you speak enochian.
Enochian, what?
You made that up.
This is the "sigillum aemeth." It is the only one of it's kind.
It was handwritten in the 16th century by the mystic John Dee
and it has been lost for generations.
Uh, bullshit.
It came from the internets, not the 16th century.
If you're trying to get out of admitting how awesome I am...
John Dee was trying to summon angels, but evil travels under
it's own power and he actually summoned demons
and the demons forged this book.
What are you saying, kwok?
Dee tried to destroy, but he couldn't.
So he sealed it and he hid it deep underneath his manor estate
and it has been lost for generations.
But here it is in your incapable hands and you summoned
a succubus from hell!
(GASPING)
And then this lat passage that you read,
the herald of abominog.
And in the language lay the name of the hell Lord abominog and
I hath spoken the name and hell has raineth down.
(GROWLING)
You didn't injure it, you ignorant fuck!
You transformed it!
Sorry.
Transformed into what exactly?
What?
What the fuck was that?
I don't know.
Ronny kwok's dragon!
Shit, shit!
Oh my God, we overslept again.
It's time for evermore.
Come on. Grab the fucking horn.
The thing eats souls, you guys.
We are gonna die.
(HORN BLOWING)
Shit!
Shit. (JOE) What?
It's the horn of war.
It means that the battle of evermore is going to start
in 10 minutes.
Why now... it's like three in the fucking morning.
It's not supposed to happen for another few hours,
but Ira is a dick and did it early.
There's a larper buffet on that field and all those poor
bastards have is foam sticks.
We have to save them.
Are you fucking nuts?
No.
I think I've done enough damage already.
You... that thing... That's real!
That thing slaughtered our best friend.
You gonna let that stand?
You been out here practicing this shit every weekend
for years.
Face it, man.
You've got everything but you earned nothing.
Are you gonna hide from that thing the way you hide
from real life?
Or are you gonna man up and avenge the death of our friend?
The time has come to earn our valor, people.
(MUSIC)
For Hung.
(MUSIC)
(ANNOUNCER) Steel thyselves, adventurers.
The time for battle is nigh.
The fate of the glorious kingdom of evermore rests
in the balance.
Two armies fighting for one prize... bragging rights on
the evermore larp alliance message board.
Diamond starts speech.
He rouseth the troops.
I am well aware that words cannot inspire courage,
render a timid army Valiant and perhaps words are unnecessary
for you, my brave lot, for there is no timidity within you.
Oh, wow.
You know, I worked with him last year.
He's got such a gift for the theatrics.
Yes, he loves it.
Oh, here goes Cary.
Here goes.
Some of you are gentle souls in peace, but when that horn of
battle blows, we must disguise our fair nature,
summon up our blood!
Draw up our most terrible aspect!
Unleash our rage!
Fortune is on our side, but if that fickle bitch should prove
unjust, then go down fighting like gods and leave your enemies
a bloody and mournful victory that tastes
like ashes in their mouths.
I covet only one thing.
Honor and victory!
(CHEERING)
Wait.
Verily, that is two things.
Join me in coveting those same glories for if it be a sin,
let us be the monks of...!
(CHEERING)
They shall curse themselves for not being here, for not being
able to say they fought with us upon the field of evermore!
(MUSIC)
(ANNOUNCER) Warriors are reminded to remain honorable in their combat.
No strikes to the codpiece.
Kwok's gonna be so pissed he missed this.
No shit.
The horn bloweth.
The battle of evermore has begun!
What the hell is that?
I kind... I lost the official horn of battle.
This is the shofar from my Temple, so...
(HORN BLOWING)
Evermore.
(CHEERING)
(ANNOUNCER) The battle is upon us.
Which army shall reap the spoils of the conquest?
King Diamond's army doth fight with power and opening a can
of Yon whoop-ass upon their foes.
(MUSIC)
The King's army is holding their ground, matching them hit point
for hit point.
Calling Ronny's dragon.
Get the hell out here already.
(ANNOUNCER) A dragon hath appeared.
A bounty of experience points await the brave souls who dare
take on this ferocious beast.
And please, don't be douchelords with the wings.
The papier mache is still drying.
(LAUGHING)
This is the best!
What was that?
Those fuckers didn't wait for me!
It took us two weeks to build that thing.
(GROWLING)
What was that?
Get points, you get points.
Run, puny humans!
That's perfect, that's perfect.
Oh, it's getting down.
Hit this one. Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
Motherfuckers.
Oh yeah.
I got the crip.
We're back, bitches!
(ANNOUNCER) These people are not part of the game.
Repeat, not part of the game!
I'm so outta here.
Guild... stand and fight those red of neck!
Together, attack!
Triangulate!
(MUSIC)
Not so fast, meals on wheels.
Ahh!
(SCREAMING)
(MUSIC)
Oh God!
Did it see us?
I don't know.
Ahh!
What was that?
I don't know.
What's going on?
Holy shit, what is that?
Fuck, fuck!
Holy shit!
What the fuck!
Shit!
Oh shit!
(SCREAMING)
It's some sort of giant monster.
Looks maybe like a...
I don't know.
Maybe an...
Or a... it could be a rage gollum.
Look, it's got the deadly tentacles, just like
the monster manual...
Shit, how is this even possible?
I don't know.
Ahh!
Fuck this.
(SCREAMING)
(MAN) Fuck!
Okay.
Hold on.
All right, I got a plan.
On the count of three, we're gonna make a break for the path,
all right?
One... hey, focus!
Two.
No, fuck this shit!
I am not moving another step until somebody tells
me what the hell...
There's something really terrible coming, you guys,
and we're here to save... Oh shit.
Oh.
(CAR STALLING)
Gwen, if the world isn't swallowed up into hell,
you wanna go see a show sometime?
Nice timing, warrior.
Sure.
(ERIC) Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
A show would be good.
No, demon!
You shall not harm this quivering boy!
(WHISTLING)
Hey!
Thank you, mighty warrior!
Can thoust be enochian?
(CAR STALLING)
Give us a smile, sweet cheeks.
Oh yes!
Yes!
Fuck.
God, what is that?
What is that sound?
She's laughing at us.
Enough, you bitch!
Fuck.
Find it, fuck.
Ronny, what are you doing?
I drive a hybrid, Eric.
There's no on button in this thing.
You can speak enochian but can't drive a truck?
It's not my fault.
Ronny, I can't find the spell, where is it?
It's in the back of the book!
I marked it clearly!
It is in the back!
Find it, find it, fuck.
Oh, hey, I got this going, guys.
(MUSIC)
This shall not hold the beast for long!
I got it, I got it, I got it!
(SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
The gem!
(MUSIC)
Choke on it.
No, watch out!
No!
I'm on fire!
Gwen, I need you!
You okay?
Why the fuck would you do that?
I'm gonna stop saving your lives if you don't show me
some fucking gratitude!
Okay, okay, focus!
Where is the book that you were just reading from?
We need the book?
No, shit!
No, that's okay.
This is good.
This is the gem.
When he read the "sigillum", the gem glowed,
so that is the source of the power.
So the book is like an instruction manual?
Yes!
But it's more like a recipe booklet.
What does thou need?
I need a banishment spell but the book is ruined,
so we don't have one!
I'll get your book.
Guys, whatever you're doing, do it faster!
I don't know, I can't remember!
There was a...
There was like a...
Game master!
Here be your spell!
Oh my God, fucking gambit!
It's a dead head!
What does it say?
It's hot and it's awful.
I can't...
Calm down now.
Calm down!
(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Crap!
Ronny!
It's up to you, jobryeth.
Eric, the gem combined with signing, that's what makes
the magic work, right? Fuck if I know, man.
Are you a wizard or not?
Yes, yes, yes.
It's definitely the catalyst.
I think this song will work... Fire it up.
Track two.
Go.
(MUSIC)
♪ Cast down into ♪ ♪ thine dark crypt ♪
♪ Shadows of our ♪ ♪ dead minions drag ♪
♪ Thee into the abyss ♪
What's he singing?
Sabbath?
Is it motorhead?
No, that's a... stalker original, son.
♪ Rises bringing his ♪ ♪ deadliest gifts ♪
♪ His soul is ♪ ♪ devoured in wrath ♪
♪ His dreams are ♪ ♪ and yet twisted ♪
♪ In blood red eclipse ♪
♪ He is reborn in ♪ ♪ the dark light ♪
It's working!
♪ He instigates thy doom... ♪
♪ His wings turn ♪ ♪ the sky to black ♪
♪ As he makes this ♪ ♪ world thy tomb ♪
♪ Lifeless husk... ♪
♪ From you raise ♪ ♪ your blade defeat ♪
♪ The vile snake your heart... ♪
(MUSIC)
♪ His wings turn the sky ♪
Finish it!
♪ To black as he makes ♪ ♪ this world thy tomb ♪
♪ Made a sacrifice ♪ ♪ of my soul ♪
♪ Before a blazing ♪ ♪ funeral pyre for you ♪
Drop to the nether realms, bitch.
You have questionable taste in women, my friend.
Apparently.
But I have excellent taste when it comes to music.
Apparently.
(MUSIC)
You're a terrible bass player!
I know, isn't it awesome?
(MUSIC)
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
(MUSIC)
♪ At the gates ♪
♪ Yes it's now or never ♪
♪ A twist of fate I've ♪ ♪ seen the bad get badder ♪
♪ Sleepless nights oh ♪
♪ I see nightmare creatures ♪
♪ Don't turn away this ♪ ♪ is your adventure ♪
♪ Silent hero waiting ♪ ♪ at the gates ♪
♪ Alone ♪
♪ At the gates alone ♪
♪ I come alive ♪
♪ In the heat of battle ♪
♪ I do or die ♪
♪ Spill the blood ♪ ♪ of your enemies ♪
♪ Sleepless nights oh I ♪ ♪ see ghosts and demons ♪
♪ This is your adventure ♪
♪ Saints and sinners waiting ♪ ♪ at the gates alone ♪
♪ At the gates alone ♪
♪ At the gates ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ At the gates ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ At the gates alone ♪
(MUSIC)
♪ At the gates ♪
♪ Don't look no further ♪
♪ I feel the rage ♪
♪ And the voices burning ♪ ♪ in your soul yeah ♪
♪ You're a nightmare ♪ ♪ creature and feel the pain ♪
♪ As it turns to pleasure ♪
♪ Death and Glory waiting ♪ ♪ at the gates alone ♪
♪ At the gates alone ♪
♪ At the gates ♪
♪ Yeah gates ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ At the gates alone ♪
♪ At the gates ♪
♪ At the gates alone ♪
♪ At the gates ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Gates ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ At the gates ♪
♪ Yeah gates ♪
♪ Yeah at the gates ♪
http://subscene.com/u/659433 Improved by: @Ivandrofly